mass-surveillance

We’re Watching You

It comes as no surprise to anyone that there are cameras everywhere.  My 2-year old daughter is a pro.  She cheeses for every camera she sees.  So she is always smiling.  We carry cameras around with us every day.  We see them in stores, at the bank, at street lights, in bedrooms (not mine, unless my wife isn’t telling me something), and even in elevators. There isn’t an aspect of our public life that isn’t at risk of being filmed.  If you throw a fit in a restaurant, 30 people in there with you are pulling out their cameras.  You throw-up from drinking too much, someone will be there filming.  It is the time we live in.  What’s even worse is that in one click what we did to embarrass ourselves is on the web for everyone to see.

Please tell me nobody saw that.
Please tell me nobody saw that.

That is why I do not understand this whole Ray Rice thing. If there is any place that would have total coverage of an area, you would think it would be a casino.  I’ve been to casinos, I’ve seen more camera’s there than I’ve seen anywhere else. Did the NFL and Ray Rice think there wouldn’t be a video showing exactly what happened in that elevator?  Did they expect us to believe there wasn’t a video?  They are trying to hide behind their legal shield by saying they did everything they could to get the video.  But apparently they did not, because TMZ was able to get it.  Now they want us to believe that TMZ has better resources than the National Football League?  A league that made 9 billion dollars last year.  You can’t tell me TMZ has more power.

This is how we make our money.
This is how we make our money.

I wrote earlier in the year that the NFL wasn’t doing enough about Ray Rice.  And the reason was because he wasn’t costing them money.  Why would they care about what was going on with him and his wife if we didn’t? The shame was that we should have cared.  Just like Donald Sterling in the above link, Ray Rice was the same human piece of trash he was before the video was released.  Why did we have to see the video to understand that?

If I don't see it, it didn't happen.
If I don’t see it, it didn’t happen.

I think people are used to seeing everything so they lack imagination. We know that something happened in the elevator, but as long as we didn’t see a video we were able to believe that Janay Rice somehow was the cause.  That maybe she provoked him.  That maybe just maybe he was just protecting himself from a wild out of control woman.  What’s worse is she actually took some of the blame.  She got on stage and apologized for her part in it.  I can understand how everyone could be fooled.   But we shouldn’t have been.  The NFL, the Ravens, the media, the fans, and anyone serious about women’s rights should have stopped what they were doing and said, ‘Show me the film’.

That's not the line Jerry!
That’s not the line Jerry!

We knew there had to be film.  Why didn’t we all demand to see it?  You don’t want to impede on the privacy of others?  That’s bullshit.  I believe in a person’s right to privacy, but the minute you commit a crime, that privacy is forfeited. I understand that we’re a society that prides itself on ‘innocent until proven guilty’.  That is why someone who is on trial should want the video out there.  If Ray Rice believed he hadn’t done anything wrong (I use that loosely because he admitted fault but allowed his wife to share it) he should have wanted that video out there.  What better way to show what happened than a video of what happened.  Dr. House taught us that everyone lies.  But video is the equalizer.  It is hard to lie when faced with video evidence.

I also taught you that is cool to walk with a limp, but whatever.
I also taught you that it is cool to walk with a limp, but whatever.

I’m glad the video is out there because now we can open up about what violence against women is.  We can learn from this.  We can educate our daughters, sisters, and even mothers as to what abuse looks like.  I feel sorry for Janay who is acting like Ray did nothing wrong.  She is standing by her man. And that is just what battered women do.  They make excuses for the man who hit them.  They get angry when someone says something bad about their man.  No one who watched that video would say that what Ray Rice did was reasonable.  To see her say he is a good man, that he just made a mistake, gives us all a window into what abuse looks like.  He abused her.  He battered her.  He punched her out because she had the audacity not to be spit on.  And now we see the aftermath.  Her coming to his defense.  Her acting like she did something wrong.  This isn’t something new.  This is something that has gone on since the beginning of time.  It is just now we have a real window into.  I personally like the cameras.  I’m guessing Ray Rice, not so much.

And I would have gotten away with it too.
And I would have gotten away with it too.

That is what I’m left with when I think about the roller coaster the last couple of days has been.  We are seeing a new way crimes are handled.  Instead of a jury of 12 of our peers deciding our fate, it is coming down to the country.  Because if you’re crime is on film it is going to be shared.  And I think that makes the justice system just a little better.  No more lies, no more deceptions.  Here’s the film, now explain it.  And we get to see some of the other problems facing this world.  Battered women sticking up for their men, bosses covering up for valuable employees, a nation desensitized to facts, and a country being watched (for better and for worse).

This lovable slumlord made houses out of plastic with no bathrooms.

Freedom of Speech isn’t Free

Freedom of Speech isn’t Free

If you’ve been living under a rock, you probably missed the biggest news in the world of sports these last couple days.  The owner of the LA Clippers was given a lifetime ban and fined for making private statements about who he would want at his games and who he thought was too unwhite to attend.  For an old man to make racist statements is nothing new.  For that old man to be Donald Sterling it isn’t much different than what we knew about him in the past.  We’re talking about a man who has been sued for housing discrimination, and sued by a former player and GM for racial discrimination.  He wasn’t a good man.  Some even described him as a slumlord and not in a good way.

This lovable slumlord made houses out of plastic with no bathrooms.
This lovable slumlord made houses out of plastic with no bathrooms.

The point is that Donald Sterling has always been a racist.  He didn’t just become one.  How did this man keep a team for a so long?  It only took 4 days from the day the tapes were released to the day he was sent packing.  The only answer is that his racism got in the way of the bottom line of the league.  It is the only answer.  Once the reaction was made and sponsors started to pull out the NBA commissioner only had one solution and that is to get rid of the cancer.

If I get sued will the lawsuit be Sterling vs Silver?
If I get sued will the lawsuit be Sterling vs Silver?

We have rights in this country to say whatever we want.  The government isn’t going to throw us in jail.  We aren’t going to be put to death for saying we don’t like the president or for voting against him.  That is our freedom of speech.  We don’t have freedom of consequences. But the only consequence that seemed to matter to the NBA was the loss of money.  It just goes to show us that the only way to speak loudly and forcibly is by throwing money at whatever you don’t like. The commissioner of the NBA can say it was because Donald Sterling was a bad guy, but the truth of the matter is, he was a bad guy before the tapes were released and the commissioner had no problem sitting down with him before.  Players had no trouble playing for him.  The sponsors had no trouble sponsoring him.  UCLA had no problem taking his money. The only thing that changed four days ago was that the public had an uproar over it.

 

Yes, but I didn't hear it before so it doesn't count.
Yes, but I didn’t hear it before so it doesn’t count.

I appreciate what the NBA did; there is no place for bigoted minds in the exclusive club of owning a team.  But he didn’t just become bigoted is my point.  It was all about the money he was costing the league.  And it isn’t just the NBA that has reacted that way.  Last month the CEO of Firefox was forced to step down because of his involvement in supporting an amendment that banned gay marriage.  But that wasn’t the reason he stepped down.  The donation was made in 2008.  That was 5 years before it was found out. He stepped down because the public found out and it was going to cost the company money.  We saw the same thing with Chick-Fil-A.

Though it really was easier to avoid Firefox than it was Chick-Fil-A.
Though it really was easier to avoid Firefox than it was Chick-Fil-A.

This isn’t something that is new.  Money has always had a bigger part in politics and American culture than anything else.  Even racial lines don’t exist as intense as the money lines do. I have more in common with other working men who are black than I do with rich white man.  The black men I work with eat the same food as me, go to the same parties, drive the same type of cars, shop at the same places and visit the same entertainment venues.  The rich white men I never see out where I am.  And that is the problem I am seeing in this Donald Sterling thing.  If the money wasn’t being stopped, nothing would have been done.

Of course if I was a meth cooker I would have more in common with a meth dealer, but you get my point.
Of course if I was a meth cooker I would have more in common with a meth dealer, but you get my point.

Some can say that is a good thing.  But it is the rich sponsors that are caring about only certain things that are making this a problem.  Ray Rice  beat his [future] wife and drug her into an elevator not even 3 months ago.  He still has the same job he had before the incident and nobody pulled money from the Ravens. According to TMZ the NBA is littered with drug users, the most notable one being Lamar Odom, and he is still getting calls to try out for teams. MLB has the steroid users and they continue to pull money.  To me beating a women and dragging her into an elevator is worse than what Donald Sterling said, but Ray Rice isn’t getting banned for life.  Drugs cost more lives today than racism does, but nobody is holding money from teams that have known drug users. Steriods have tarnished MLB more than racism has, yet Ryan Braun (the poster boy for steroid use right now) still gets cheered.

 

Of course I may be a little biased about Ray Rice since he pretty much murdered my fantasy season.
Of course I may be a little biased about Ray Rice since he pretty much murdered my fantasy season.

The only thing that makes one punishable by being banned and one not is the money factor.  If sponsors boycotted Ravens games, Ray Rice would be looking for a new home right now.  He wouldn’t be welcomed in the locker room.  And that is the problem.  Money shouldn’t be the reason someone is punished.  But it is the only thing that talks.  There was a movie in the 90’s that I loved named ‘Bulworth’.  In the movie a senator decides that he is going to get himself killed because he can’t take the pressure of raising money to do his job.  Since he is going to die anyway, he starts to tell everyone what he thinks.  In the most poignant moment of the movie he goes into a long rap about money in politics:

I gotta raise $10,000 a day every day I’m in Washington
I ain’t getting it in South Central
I’m gettin it in Beverly Hills
So I’m votin from them in the Senate the way they want me to
and-and-and I’m sending them my bills
We got a million brothers in prison
I mean, the walls are really rockin
But you can bet your ass they’d all be out
If they could pay for Johnny
Ok ok I got a simple question that I’d like to ask
Of the network that pays you for performing this task
How come they got the airwaves? They’re the peoples aren’t they?
Wouldn’t they be worth 70 billion to the public today?
If some money-grubbin Congress didn’t give them away
for big campaign money? It’s hopeless you see
you’re runnin for office with out no TV
If you don’t get big money
You get a defeat
Corporations and broadcasters make you dead meat
You been taught in this country there’s speech that is free
But free don’t get you no spots on TV
If you want to have senators not on the take
Then give them free air time
They won’t have to fake

Word to your mother.
Word to your mother.

Donald Sterling got what he deserved.  But he should have got it sooner.  He was a bigot before Thursday.  He was also a sexual harasser and a slumlord.  The only thing that made the difference now was that money was going to be lost.  And that is why freedom of speech isn’t free.  Only thing that matters any more is money and people’s unwillingness to lose it.  Luckily for me, I can say whatever I want because I don’t have money to lose.

mother met me

End of an Era

End of an Era

Tonight How I Met Your Mother ends.  It has been a long journey that I have to say I’ve been a part of from the beginning.  I don’t normally join shows from the start.  I was late for Friends.  I started on Modern Family after a couple seasons and many awards.  I started watching Breaking Bad after the show was over.  I didn’t start watching The Walking Dead until I could binge watch on Netflix.  I discovered Game of Thrones after I watched Tudors and was looking for a replacement.  It’s just something I do.  I don’t like getting invested into a show for it to get cancelled before its time. But HIMYM was different.  From the pilot I was hooked.  I watched every week.  I looked forward to it.   I even got my wife involved in watching the show with me.  We laughed when the gang talked about how they met each other. We cheered Barney on for his perfect week.  We cried when Marshall’s father died.  We smiled when Marvin was born.  We felt hurt when Barney confronted his father.  We cheered when Barney and Robin said ‘I do’.  We shared the jokes, drinks and heartache with the gang.  And now it is all over.  Part of me feels like I’m losing an institution. Monday night meant I would be on my couch watching Ted find the 39th girl who wasn’t the mother.  Now a huge hole is opening up that I don’t know how to fill.

With all that being said, I decided that I would revisit something I did a while ago.  I did a complete list of the top 100 episodes after the 100th episode aired.  That was for a much smaller crowd than those that read this blog.  I’m not going to list all 200+ episodes in order like I did with the 100+.  I’m just going to do the top 12. But I can tell you that most of the top ones are the same.  As for the bottom episodes.  I’m not going to list those because that somehow makes it seem like the episodes were terrible.  But that’s not true.  For me even the worst episodes of HIMYM were better than anything else on TV.  Yes, Arrivederci, Fiero, wasn’t on par with the rest.  But I could still laugh and love it for the fact that it told us the story of how Ted became friends with Marshall.  Plus it had Barney not being able to drive.  So I’ll just say all the other ones tied at 13 or something.

So with just a little more ado, here are the five that just barely missed the cut:  Ten Sessions, Stuff, Game Night, Slutty Pumpkin and Zip, Zip, Zip.  Now on to the list.

12. The Playbook

the playbook
Why I love it: After Barney and Robin break-up, Barney decides to get back out there and start sleeping with women stupid enough to fall for his tricks..  Which allows him to use something big, surprisingly heavy, kind of leathery and black that he hasn’t used in a while.  It’s his Playbook.  It is a list of scams that he used on women to get them to sleep with him.  Among the list are classics like SNASA, Cheap Trick, He’s Not Coming, Don’t Drink That and the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. We get to see Barney go through each play and get to laugh as the women fall for it.  When he uses the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn to pick-up a girl that Lily had picked out for Ted, Lily gets mad at Barney and steals the playbook.  Which somehow leads to Barney sitting at the bar in a scuba suit.  All his friends want to know what the scuba suit is about.  It leads to a very touching moment when Barney breaks down and bemoans how he treated Robin badly and shows some real human emotions.  Then he leaves with the girl he was planning on leaving with and we are left learning that everything that just happened was a page from the playbook called the Scuba Diver and Barney actually never had any emotions.  It’s classic Barney.  Also classic HIMYM.

11. The Final Page: Part Two

the final page

Why I love it:  I guess I could have went with the entire part 1 and 2, but that would be cheating.  So I just went with the best part.  Ted is taking Robin to the opening of his building.  But he is faced with a dilemma.  He has to either tell Robin that Barney is going to propose to Patrice or keep his promise to Barney and not tell her.  One way or the other he will be hurting a friend.  He can tell Robin is in love with Barney, so by not telling her, he would help himself.  But he would be hurting her once she found out she could have stopped it.  By telling her, he breaks his promise to Barney.  As it turns out, Ted does the right thing.  He tells Robin and she rushes to her favorite spot in New York to discover that Barney was never going to propose to Patrice.  He set-up an elaborate marriage proposal to Robin and she falls for it.  She says yes and we’re left with Barney kissing Robin on the roof of the news building.

10. Girls vs Suits

girls vs suits

Why I love it: This is the 100th episode and it does not disappoint.  First we get to see a lot more of the mother.  We get to learn that she was roommates with Cindy.  We get to know that she likes all the same things as Ted.  We learn that she has feet.  Then there is Barney trying to win a date with a sexy bartender by giving up suits.  It has an amazing cameo by Tim Gunn as himself.  I don’t even remember what Marshall and Lily were doing during the episode, probably being cute, but that is because it ended with such awesomeness.  The gang breaks out and dances to an original number called, ‘Nothing Suits me Like a Suit’.  And it is brilliant.  It shows off the skill of the cast and allows us a glimpse into Barney’s mind.  And I love it.

9. Spoiler Alert

Spoiler alert 3

Why I love it: Ted has just started dating this annoying girl named Cathy.  She talks non-stop.  Ted doesn’t see it though because he is busy trying to sleep with her.  The moment that Marshall tells him, he literally hears glass shatter and his image of her is changed.  He hates it because now it is all he hears.  So he ruins something for Marshall.  He tells him that Lily chews louder than any person he knows, which shatters the glass for him.  Which pisses Lily off so she tells Robin that Ted always corrects people, which shatters the glass for Robin.  Which in turn leads to a hilarious scene by the gang where they each yell at each other for what is most annoying about them.  But it all works out.  In a subplot of the episode, Marshall is trying to remember his password for his Bar Exam results, which he cannot remember.  But during the final fight he remembers because one of his habits was to sing about everything and when he sung non-sense words for days straight the entire gang was annoyed and remembered the non-sense words.  Which was just a way for him to remember his password.  He finds out he passed the Bar Exam and everyone forgets about the fight.

8. The Bro Mitzvah

Bro Mitzvah

Why I love it: Ted and Marshall plan the bachelor party for Barney.  It is terrible.  They get the wrong kind of room.  They bring in the wrong Karate Kid.  The get his ex-fiancé Quinn to be the stripper.  Barney gets left out of the stripping.  He loses $5,000 that Robin had given him for a down payment.  The entire night is a disaster.  When Robin sees that Barney left her high and dry, forcing her to hang out with his mother so he could party with his friends and ex-fiancé’ she gets mad and breaks up with him. Just then Marshall loses a hand.  If it sounds funny and not like HIMYM, you’re wrong.  Because the episode was just taking Barney’s innate ability to pull long cons and pull it on him.  The gang made him have the worst night of his life because they could never live up to his expectations of what a bachelor party should be.  And it makes the night legend-wait for it-dary. Legendary.

7. How Your Mother Met Me

mother met me

Why I love it: What’s not to love. We get to finally meet the woman that the whole show is about.  And she does not disappoint.  It follows her from a tragic end to a relationship till she sings the sweetest song on the balcony right next to Ted.  We learn that she is funny, smart and just like Ted.  Plus she has a noble heart.  She is going to end poverty.  It’s her goal in life.  I was on the fence on whether she was a good fit for Ted until this episode aired.  Now I know she is the one and I even have a small little crush on her myself.  I had to watch the episode again right after it aired, which isn’t something I normally do. I can’t wait for the DVD of season 9 so I can watch it again.  Plus she sings with her breakfast food, which is so awesome.

6. The Naked Man

naked man

Why I love it: To me, this is hands down the funniest episode of the entire run.  It revolves around a man who knows he isn’t going to score with Robin so he strips down completely naked and Robin falls for it.  Marshall calls Robin a slut, so she tries to prove that she actually likes Mitch.  Meanwhile, Lily tries to come up with 50 reasons to have sex other than for love.  Some of the reasons are hilarious.  Then Ted and Barney decide to try the Naked Man later on their dates.  We get a few shots of them trying different poses before the girls comes back.  I am laughing so much by the end of the poses that I don’t even laugh when Barney gets kicked out of the girl’s house, completely naked. Which leads to him wandering the streets naked and looking for something to wear, which leads to another funny moment where he refuses to put on a low quality suit, even to cover his nakedness.

5. Three Days of Snow

Three_days_of_snowThree_days_of_snow

Why I love it:  I cannot watch the ending of this episode without getting chills from what happens.  It starts when a blizzard hits New York.  It closes everything down.  And Ted tells 3 different stories.  He tells the story of him and Barney opening a bar.  He tells the story of Robin and Marshall trying to get to the airport to pick-up Lily.  And it tells of Lily trying to get beer before Marshall shows up to pick her up.  But the surprise is that all 3 stories happened on 3 different days. Which leads us to the ending.  Marshall shows up with a full marching band to tell Lily how much he loves her and how much he continues to love her while a band plays in the background.  It is just a heartwarming happy time.

4. Drumroll, Please

drumroll please

Why I love it: Ted spends the night at a wedding with Victoria.  They decide to not let anything ruin their night.  They have fun and at the end of the night, Ted closes his eyes and Victoria is gone before he opens them. It is a perfect night for him, and he soon realizes that he has to find the woman.  He disturbs his friends on their honeymoon.  He tells the story to Lily and Marshall.  He even gets Barney to call a one-night stand.  But he has no luck.  Until Robin learns about it from Lily and she knows who the girl is.  But before we can learn if Robin is going to tell Ted or not, he finds out that Victoria made the cake and owns the bakery.  He rushes over there to her.  When she sees him, she drops what she is doing and rushes to him and they kiss.  The moment is perfect.  It was also one of the reasons I wanted Ted to marry Victoria until I finally got to meet the mother.

3. Pilot

Pilot

Why I love it:  It is the one that got me involved with the show. It told me something was special about it before I even knew the main character’s name.  The way Robin is introduced is something that all the shows strive for.  That hook.  That moment that makes people talk.  And we got it from the first episode.  I’ve probably watched the Pilot 100 times and I still constantly get a feeling of doom when Ted utters ‘I love you’ on the first date.  I’m as shocked as his kids.  I love this show and this was my first peek into something this special.

2. Showdown

showdown

Why I love it: Marshall and Lily try to prove they aren’t codependent on either and try to stay apart.  Ted tries to come up with a toast for their wedding and Barney gets to become a contestant on the Price is Right.  The episode is filled with jokes and gags, like Lily losing weight despite binge eating and Marshall singing a song for Lily.  It has Ted trying out different toasts only to fail miserably because Marshall keeps censoring him.  But the most important thing that happens in this episode is that Barney rocks the Price is Right because he thinks Bob Barker is his dad.  The final scene when he wins everything is just off-the-wall funny.

1. Slap Bet (or Robin Sparkles)

slap bet

Why I love it: I call it what it is on my DVD, which is Slap Bet.  Because the point of the episode was that Barney bet Marshall a slap bet that Robin did porn and that was why she didn’t like the mall.  Lily becomes the commissioner and the episode is filled with the gang slapping each other.  Marshall slaps Barney because he thinks he won.  Barney slaps Marshall twice for lying.  Then Barney slaps Marshall again when he thinks he won.  Only to find out he lost because Robin did not do porn, she was a teen pop-star in Canada.  She had to go around to malls and sing her hit song, ‘Let’s go to the mall’.  So then Marshall gets to slap Barney 5 times at any point until the end of time.  The episode keeps giving throughout the rest of the run.  It spawns episodes like Slapsgiving and Slapsgiving 2.  It gives us moments when Marshall slaps Barney while he is performing a play to annoy them and later during his wedding weekend. And then it adds all the times we go back and watch Robin do something crazy like sing Sand Castles in the Sand, or P.S. I Love You or her show in Canada where she sings the Beaver song. It is my go to episode when I want my friends to start watching and that is why I put it as number one.

sam

Better to be a criminal than gay

Better to be a criminal than gay

That is the message being sent by Michael Sam’s father.  For those of you living under a rock, Michael Sam, an NFL prospect, defensive player of the year in the SEC and gay man announced to the world Sunday night that he was homosexual.  Sam will mostly likely be taken anywhere from the 3rd to the 5th round of the upcoming draft which will make him the first openly gay man in NFL history.  Note, that I said openly gay.  I am sure there have been plenty of homosexual football players in the past who lived in the closet for fear of repercussions.

Insert every terrible 'Homo' pun made by immature football fans
Insert every terrible ‘Homo’ pun made by immature football fan

For the most part the NFL players have all said the right things.  The only thing they bring up is the distraction it might lead to in a locker room.  Which Donte Stallworth answers beautifully in tweets. For those of you who will not click the link, you have to know that Donte Stallworth is a player who had a reason to be a distraction.  He killed a man.  Yes it was a DUI but a man is still dead because of him.  But what I find enlightening about his tweets is that he says that any organization that would allow something like this to be a distraction is already a football program full of losers.  I have to agree.  He knows what he is talking about.  After all the NFL has convicts playing for them.  They’re not a distraction.  The NFL has had a player who had been arrested in connection with murder and he wasn’t a distraction.  The NFL has had a player who shouted racial slurs at a concert and he wasn’t a distraction.  I don’t think a man being gay would be more of a distraction than any of those.  But I digress because Stallworth nails it.

That was not a terrible misplaced pun about him hitting someone while drunk.
That was not a terrible inappropiate pun about him hitting someone while drunk.

The point of my blog today is that the one person who should be behind Sam is not.  That person is his father.  Michael Sam Sr did an interview where he says that he doesn’t want his grandchildren being raised in that type of environment.  That he is an old school man who doesn’t approve of his son’s lifestyle choice.  He goes as far as to say that he is for man and woman marriage and that long gone football players would roll over in their grave if they heard a gay player was in the locker room.

Dave Kopay played during the 60's and came out in a 1977
Dave Kopay played during the 60’s and came out in a 1977 book

I don’t even know where to start with that quote.  First, there have been gay football players, David Kopay, Roy Simmons, Esera Tuaolo, Wade Davis and Kwame Harris to name a few.  Second, that is his son he is talking about.  Someone he raised.  Someone he helped shape.  Someone he brought into this world.  His only job as a father is to protect his son.  And this isn’t protecting him.  This is telling everyone who hates anything different that his son is open for ridicule.  The masses have been silent on that front because it is becoming a standard in the United States that it is ok.  But now they have someone to rally behind.  They have someone who can be the face of their anger and that is his own father.

You had one job.
You had one job.

The worst part about this story is that Michael Sam Sr has other kids.  Two of them are in jail.  And they have been in and out of jail since Michael Jr was in 8th grade.  That just seems ridiculous to me.  Here we have a player who by all accounts is a great leader. Someone who went to college.  Played hard in college.  Won awards in college.  Will move on to the NFL and be an ambassador to an equal rights movement.  On the other side we have brothers in jail, who have been in an out of jail and probably will go back.  Yet his father says he doesn’t want his kids growing up in a household with a gay person! That is unbelievably backwards to me.  I would want my kids to model after the college graduate, the all-american football player, the future NFL player and good leader who stayed out of trouble.  Apparently his father would rather they have the role models be adults who are in and out of jail.

I don't have a funny quote for this, just an old man facepalming
I don’t have a funny quote for this, just an old man facepalming

The other side is that even if he believes that marriage is between a woman and man only, he has a duty as a father to keep his mouth shut and support his child no matter what.  If my son told me he was gay, the first thing I would tell him is that I still love him.  Because I loved him before I found out.  Why would it change after?  He is still the same person.  He hasn’t changed because I know something else.  I am actually proud of my son every day.  He loves what he loves.  For Christmas he received a ‘My Little Pony’ toy.  Kids are hard on other kids, but he doesn’t care.  He likes it and he is going to let the world know.  God forbid that Michael Sam Sr was his father.  He would have told him the toy was stupid and that it was for girls. Then he would have given him a GI Joe and told him to go shoot something.  Because we know that committing crimes is better than being gay.

I may be going to prison for rape and murder, but at least I'm not gay
I may be going to prison for rape and murder, but at least I’m not gay

I think Michael Sam Jr is brave.  And I applaud him for what he is doing.  But a little bit of me is a little upset because it is such big story.  I long for the days where someone comes out and it is’t news at all.  Where it is normal and part of society.  I want there not to be stories of how someone’s father is weirded out by his own son.  Until then I can take solace in the fact that most of the people support this move by Michael Sam, and I will just ignore the jackass he has as a father.

Murphy

Langford’s Laws

Langford’s Laws

You know how Murphy has his laws?  His are pretty easy to remember.  I remember it because during my childhood my mother used to have a plague hanging in the bathroom with the law written on it.  Here I was doing my business every day and I would read, “Everything takes longer than you expect, nothing is as easy as it looks, and if anything can go wrong, it will, at the worst possible moment”.  And that did pretty much describe my bathroom going experience.  But recently I have started to notice a few things happening and I sit back and think, how come Murphy didn’t warn me about this.  So I have written out my own laws and I am going to dispense my wisdom to you now.  Who knows, maybe you will put it on a plague for your kids to read while they do the deed.

Who is Langford and why does he care about my number 2's?
Who is Langford and why does he care about my number 2’s?

Langford Law Number 1:

If a car is parked on the side of the road and you are driving towards it, someone going the opposite way is going to arrive at the car the exact same time, forcing one of you to stop and let the other person through.  I can’t tell you how often this happens to me.  The road can be perfectly clear as I drive, but as soon as I notice a car parked on the side of the road another car will materialize coming towards me.  Then it is a race for both of us to get to the opening first.  But we always seem to get there at the same exact time.  It also doesn’t have to be on the street.  Same thing happens to me in a grocery store.  If there is someone just hanging out reading the packages and I go down the same aisle, someone else will start going down the same aisle at the same time and we will get to the person reading at the same exact time.

Fancy meeting you here.
Fancy meeting you here.

Langford Law Number 2:

If something isn’t working correctly and you call someone to fix it, it is going to work perfectly when that person shows up. I have to admit, I am the person that usually shows up, since I am in the IT field, but it has happened to me a lot.  I will get a call that a computer is doing something and I go to it and the computer works fine.  I have been on the other side as well.  My wife bought a card for her camera from Target.  She took it home and tried to use it, but it kept giving an error message that we needed to insert the card.  I tried, my father-in-law tried, my brother-in-law tried, but the card wouldn’t work.  I brought it to Target to return it and when I went to show them what the card was doing, the card was no longer broken.  It worked perfectly.  The Target employee looked at me like I didn’t know how to turn on the camera or something.

Oh, I see the problem, the camera doesn't work in the 'OFF' position.
Oh, I see the problem, the camera doesn’t work in the ‘OFF’ position.

Langford Law Number 3

A car’s gas gage will move faster from Full to Empty than it does from above the F-line to below it.  I have a phenomenon in my car.  I can’t quite understand it, but it seems to always happen.  I will fill up my tank and I am sitting above the F-line.  I feel good.  I drive for a while and the gage will remain above the line.  Then it slowly starts to drop.  Not a big deal, I still have a full tank right?  I mean it is just now moving to the line that is marked for full?  Wrong!  Once it hits below the f-line it makes a beeline for the e-line.  It is as if something magically empties the tank before my eyes.  I don’t know why it happens, it just does.  Maybe there is a monster in my tank that only gets awoken when the tank isn’t completely full.

Gas! Gas! Gas!
Gas! Gas! Gas!

Langford Law Number 4

If you say something that can be taken two ways and one of the ways is bad, that is how the person is going to take it.  I have problems with tone sometime.  I don’t know why, I just do.  I could say something meant to be nice or innocent, and the person I am saying it to takes it as being mean and hurtful.  I try my hardest sometimes to say something and it backfires.  Then I realized, it wasn’t just me.  I hear it all the time.  I will be in a room when someone says something and then one other person in the room will ask me if “I can believe they just said that!”  I have to think back to the conversation and I realize that the person offended just heard what they wanted to.  The person could have said, “I like your shoes today.” But the person offended heard, “I like your shoes TODAY.” As if every other day they didn’t like them.

How dare you say I'm ugly every day but today!
How dare you say I’m ugly every day but today!

Langford Law Number 5

All your favorite sports teams will not win the championship in the same year, but they can all suck in the same year.  I am a Gator, Jaguar, Redskin, Magic and Marlin fan.  I like to root for them.  There has never been a year where they are all good.  But there are times, like this year, where they all suck at the same time.  I have no one to root for.  And what makes it worse is that all the teams I root against are winning.  The Seminoles won the BS Championship.  The Red Sox won the World Series.  It may just be something that I have to deal with that no one else does, but it certainly seems that if I don’t like your team chances are they are going to win.

If we win 40 straight games we can make the playoffs.
If we win 40 straight games we can make the playoffs.

Langford Law Number 6

People don’t understand the words ‘always’and ‘never’. Again this may just be me but I get this a lot in my line of work. Someone will call me and say, ‘My computer always does this’ or ‘It never does that’.  I will go look at the computer and try something and it works fine.  But then they say, well it doesn’t ‘always’ do it.  But the person had just called me and said it did always do it.  I don’t understand why they would say always if they didn’t mean it.  Same thing with never.  ‘I never eat chocolate’, but I just saw you 3 days ago.  ‘I never forget anything’.  Then why didn’t I get a birthday card?  I guess they use it to emphasize the importance and not the actual times it occurs.

I always live with my eyes wide open and never block my vision with screens.
I always live with my eyes wide open and never block my vision with screens.

Langford Law Number 7

If you have a part of your body that hurts and you try to avoid hurting it further, you are just going to end up hitting it more. I get a lot of ingrown toenails.  Don’t judge me.  They hurt so bad sometimes that if I hit it I black out.  Literally.  Stars appear in my eyes and the whole world becomes black.  I have to get them fixed quite often.  But sometimes I won’t have time.  So I will just try to avoid hitting it.  But then I hit it on everything.  My daughter walks on it.  My wife kicks it as she walks by.  The people never do these things any other time, but the minute I start to mentally try to avoid it, it is like there is a beacon that just points everyone towards it.

Show me where it hurts so I can jump on it.
Show me where it hurts so I can jump on it.

Langford Law Number 8

ASAP doesn’t mean what people think it means.  I receive emails all the time from people that put ASAP in the title.  To me it means get to it as soon as possible.  Because ASAP literally means ‘AS SOON AS POSSIBLE’.  It is what each letter stands for.  It is an acronym.  It is right there for people to read.  So in my mind, I am thinking, that’s nice, they are allowing me to get the rest of my work done before I get to what they need.  But to them it means, drop what you are doing and do this now.  But let’s look at those words.  AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.  Possible to me doesn’t mean I have to stop everything else I am doing.  It means when I am done and it is POSSIBLE , do this.  It actually has the opposite effect on me.  If they want it done sooner than is possible, they probably should say that it needs to be done immediately.  That would get me to it quicker.

I know what ASAP means, I have it on a sticky note.
I know what ASAP means, I have it on a sticky note.

Langford Law Number 9

If everything is important, nothing is. This goes along with the ASAP thing I guess.  But it has its own category because this is something that can be put on a plague and hung in bathrooms to scar kids for life.  If everything you want me to do is important, how do I decide what to do first?  You can’t say everything is important because then the word important loses its meaning.  Picture you are a firefighter and someone says that a house is on fire and it is important to get to it before all others.  Then the same person says the same thing about another house.  Which house do you save first?  The first important one or the second important one?

It is important we learn to balance these pencils or we won't win the talent show.
It is important we learn to balance these pencils or we won’t win the talent show.

Langford Law Number 10

Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. This one I stole, but I am keeping it.  I didn’t know any clever way of saying it so you guys didn’t know I stole it.  The point is true though.  If you have something you need to get done and you don’t plan accordingly.  Don’t come running to me at the last minute hoping I can drop everything I am already doing to help you.  Because chances are, I have my own things I didn’t plan too great for.  So I am doing to the same thing you are, which is scrambling to get something done.

I will hug you until you agree to stop what you are doing to help me.
I will hug you until you agree to stop what you are doing to help me. It’s important and I need it done ASAP.

While I reserve the right to add more laws later on, these are my rules for now.  Some of them may only be for me, but since this blog is all about me, you guys just have to live with it.  And if you take this and put it on a plague, let me know, I’ll come by and use your bathroom.

That and I found out you don't get a sword unless you're an officer.  That was a deal breaker.

New Coke ad hits home

Below is a link to a new Coke ad that shows a couple going through the early part of parenthood. Take a second to watch and then come back to this blog because I want to talk about it.

Coke Ad

The ad itself is funny. It takes all those worse things that come from parenthood and mash them up. Usually when you see montages to parenthood, it always those happy moments. The baby first steps, the hugs, the kisses, the love. This throws that on end and shows the other side. It makes it look like parenting is nothing but a disaster after disaster. It is as if a positive pregnancy test is the end of who you are as a person.

I don't know what he is smiling at, he just got peed on.
I don’t know what he is smiling at, he just got peed on.

Here is the little secret they don’t tell people when you are trying to have kids (or if you just slip up and out comes one), that little ad is telling the truth. You are no longer who you were before you have kids. There is nothing you can do about that. If you think you will have kids and everything will be the same then you haven’t been paying attention. But is life as a parent all bad and no good like this ad suggests? No. Just like real life not everything is perfect and not everything is terrible.

Unless you have a billion dollars like this guy, he seems happy
Unless you have a billion dollars like this guy, he seems happy

The reason I bring this up is because a lot of people are upset with this ad. They say that it is going to cause people to not to want to have kids. That it is only showing the bad parts and that could give people the wrong idea. They say it is harming the family. They say it isn’t a good representation of what having children is about. To those people I say, First “Shut up.”

I hope this doesn't pull my lips off.
I hope this doesn’t pull my lips off.

Of course it isn’t a perfect representation. Nothing in commercials is. Do you think we are all going to dunk when we put on our new Air Jordan’s? Are we all going to go play tennis and ride bicycles when we wear the right tampon (hopefully I never wear the right or wrong kind)? Is Doritos going to make my dog jump into a door or have a goat destroy my house? As difficult as it seems to understand none of that is going to happen. Commercials aren’t representations are real life. They are trying to sell you something. In this commercial they are not trying to sell you on having a baby, they are trying to sell you on having a Coke. I know it is hard to believe that everything you see on TV is not a camera just showing real life. Seriously, there is no way Chuck Liddell is going to show up at my next party and get my friend’s free stuff.

Not with that attitude he won't.
Not with that attitude he won’t.

Second, even if that was a perfect representation of what happens, it still doesn’t show parenthood in a negative light. Yes a bunch of bad stuff happens. A bunch of bad stuff always happens. It is just the way life works. You can’t go from your house to your job without passing someone who had a bad night (unless of course you work from home in your underwear, then you can). But we all move on. If you notice at the end of the video, the guy isn’t upset that the wife is pregnant again. He is happy. Because here is the second thing they don’t tell you. You may have changed, but sometimes change is good. We are all groomed to hate change. But sometimes you need to change. If there was never change, we would still be living in a cave starting fires by waiting for lightning to strike nearby and eating whatever we can find.

You gonna eat that rat?
You gonna eat that rat?

And here is the third thing. I have been through 2 different early parenthoods. One I was away for a lot of it because I was in the Navy. My son went from about 5 months old to being over a year old while I was away on deployment. I missed a lot of the early stuff like him pulling down large piles of dishes while learning to stand up, or putting peanut butter in the VCR or getting pee everywhere while trying to change him. A lot of people might think that is great. But I also missed his first steps, first words and first time eating solid food, or rolling over for the first time. And a lot of other firsts. It was the main reason I got out of the Navy.

That and I found out you don't get a sword unless you're an officer.  That was a deal breaker.
That and I found out you don’t get a sword unless you’re an officer. That was a deal breaker.

I have been through all of that with my daughter. I have been there when she has poop running out her diaper. I have been there when she dumped an entire plate of spaghetti on the ground. I have seen her fall downstairs trying to climb up them and I have seen her pull candy off the ground and stick it in her mouth. And I can tell you that I would much rather be there for all those things. Seeing it from the outside would make it seem terrible, but being part of it is wonderful and I can’t explain it. I don’t want to pretend parenthood is all roses. But it isn’t all that bad either. And even the bad parts can be pretty great.

Bonus picture of them plotting my murder.
Bonus picture of them plotting my murder.

On a personal note: I hope to produce these blogs more often. I took a long break because I didn’t feel people were reading them. But I have a sister that really loves them and if she is getting enjoyment out of them, then I should at least let her.

Call me fat again.

Women you’re doing it to yourselves

I ran a poll back in June 2005.  I put up two pictures of Lindsey Lohan.  One was of her sunbathing in a blue bikini.  And another was when she was sunbathing in a black one.  The only difference between the two pictures was the one in the black bikini she was about 30 pounds lighter than the one in the blue.  The site I ran the poll on is visited by mostly guys and the results came back as 149-3. Men liked her better when she was 30 pounds heavier.  The point of the poll was to see if I was the only person in the world that felt women who were super skinny were not super attractive.  In overwhelming fashion I was in the majority.

3% of men voted with their eyes closed.
2% of men voted with their eyes closed.

In fact the funny thing about it is the only person who voiced his opinion about why he voted for the skinny picture was because her boobs were smaller.  Apparently there is a subset of men who prefer women to look more like boys.  But there is nothing wrong with that.  But despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, women still obsess about being stick thin.  It is something I don’t understand, because most men (98% in the poll) prefer a woman with curves.

You would vote no boobs too if this had happened to you!
You would vote no boobs too if this had happened to you!

SO if men like women with curves and women look more natural with curves.  Then what is forcing these women in society to want to be unattractive to majority of men?  The most logical assumption is they feel it is healthier to be skinny.  But that isn’t always the case.  In an article I read in Freaking Fitness that talked about how striving for skinny may be unhealthy for the body.  That being size 0 could actually be harmful.

Keep that tic-tac away from me or I will never fit into my summer clothes.
I am finally healthy!

Then if it isn’t healthy and it isn’t to attract men, then what is it?  The article pretty much nailed it.  They found that women were less happy with their bodies when they saw pictures of other women who were skinnier.  It set off a competition in their mind and forced them to restrict their eating, they were playing to win the skinny game.

The skinniest person in the world gets this trophy, right before they wither away to nothing.
The skinniest person in the world gets this trophy, right before they wither away to nothing.

It is women’s own competitiveness that is forcing them to eat just a mint at dinner and maybe suck on a moist towelette as they leave the restaurant.  It is their own competitiveness that forces them to go on crash diets that force them to drink a shake for 7 weeks while only getting 100 calories of pure nutrition.  It is the women themselves who buy the magazines with starving women on the front page and then feel they have to look like that.  It has nothing to do with what men want or what is healthy.

Get that away from me, are you trying to make me fat??
Get that away from me, are you trying to make me fat??

I bring this up now because I am around a lot of women all the time.  And some of them drive me crazy when they talk about their weight.  I see some of them and I think they are very attractive and then they talk about how much weight they need to lose.  Or they talk about how they had 3 cookies the night before and now they feel they have to go run 7 hours to make up for it.  I don’t understand how they can see the same thing I see and think a) they are fat or b) they need to lose something.

Ok.  I just ran 3 miles.  I think I worked off that cracker.
Ok. I just ran 3 miles. I think I worked off that cracker.

Of course we live in a country where what a person weighs is important.  But mostly just to women.  Watch any sitcom with an overweight guy (not including Mike and Molly) and the woman that is with him is usually skinny or at least a healthy weight. You think he got the girl and then put on 150 pounds?  No.  It really goes to the heart of the problem, women don’t feel attractive unless they are the skinniest person around.  But they only don’t ‘FEEL’ attractive.  And that is only in their minds, because men sure find them attractive.

I told you that you could have 1 slice of cake, not 2,000 whole cakes!
I told you that you could have 1 slice of cake, not 2,000 whole cakes!

Case in point, the website Glam Girls & Cool Stuff came up with a list of the top 16 plus size models. Christina Hendricks finished number 1.   Plus size has always had a negative connotation.  If I were to call a woman plus sized, she would slap me for calling her fat.  Problem is Christina Hendricks is not fat.  She isn’t even close to being fat.  She is a healthy weight with a very nice figure.  Other people on the list included, Whitney Thompson (who won America’s Next Top Model), Christina Mendez and Fluvia Lacerda (if you are googling these names, make sure not to do that last one at work).  Those women are nowhere near what men would consider plus sized.  They are all beautiful with healthy body types.

Call me fat again.
Call me fat again.

Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson, and Justine Legualt are famous women who these women should try to emulate. People like Myleen Klass, Kate Bossworth (in Superman) and either one of the Olsen twins are body types that women should not strive for.  Most men don’t find it attractive and it can be unhealthy.  Of course if you are naturally super skinny, good for you. Own the body that God gave you and love it for what it is.  Not what you think it should be.

teacher2

So God made a teacher

“The challenge of life consists not in exploring new landscapes but in developing new eyes.”
                                                                                                                     -          Marcel Proust

 One day God looked down on the world and noticed a problem.  There were children without direction, parents without allies and lonely professions without purpose. So God made a teacher. 

He noticed that he needed someone who could survive on coffee and whatever they scrounged from home.  Someone who could rise early and stay up late grading papers and still smile throughout the day.  Someone who would go to work sick, tired, and sore.  So God made a teacher. 

He needed someone who could nurture, shape, mend, discipline, and inspire.  Someone who could look at a child and know the difference between lack of motivation and lack of knowledge.  Someone who could make children laugh, learn and feel ashamed for not giving their best.  So God made a teacher. 

The person would have to be open enough to accept 100 new children into their heart every year, yet closed enough to let them go at the end and not fall apart.  Someone who could sit through the same movie 5 times in a day and not act bored.  Someone who could read the same story for years and still read it with enthusiasm, so God made a teacher. 

He needed a person who could be yelled at by students, cursed at by parents and overworked by the demands of the school day and not quit.  Someone who would miss their own children’s plays, soccer games, and dance recitals because of school commitments and not let the heartache cripple them.  So God made a teacher. 

He needed someone who when all the hours were added up made less than minimum wage, yet still have to endure the government saying they get paid too much.  Someone who would spend their own money on pencils, paper, books, crayons, rulers, scissors and other items knowing that at the end of the year they would all be gone.  So God made a teacher. 

He needed someone who would spend hours on a project to make it fun and interesting just to hear the students say it is boring and not get angry at them.  He needed someone who would spend holidays, vacation days, and weekends finding new things to inspire and excite. So God made a teacher. 

He needed someone who would do everything possible to get a student to learn, even when they just wanted to sleep.  He needed someone who would teach the nuances of vocabulary, math, science, history and grammar.  He needed someone who could account for all the different learning styles, attitudes and backgrounds in any classroom at any given time, yet still maintain control. So God made a teacher. 

Most of all he needed someone who could make the children feel safe in an unsafe world.  Make them feel welcomed, loved, cared for, understood, motivated, and satisfied, all at once.  He needed someone who could never be thanked enough for their compassion and sacrifice, yet would do it anyway.  So God THANKFULLY made a teacher. 

teacher1

The blog above was partially inspired by Paul Harvey’s, God made a Farmer, Super Bowl commercial and my wife.  Who is the hardest working, most tireless person I know.  She works all day as a teacher, then turns around and coaches cheerleading and heads the BETA club.  She spends hours after work grading papers, coming up with quizzes and cares so much for her children that she feels terrible when they fail and overjoyed when they succeed.  

I really just wanted her to know that her hard work is noticed by me.

gladsome_mail-1316

Answering my fan mail

Ok, so most of it isn’t fan mail. But I did receive a lot of emails from people who read my last blog about how being gay is not a choice and some of them were kind of rude (and some of them were quite good and deserved an answer), so I have decided to answer some of the lingering questions I got from my fans*. I have published the questions with their full mistakes in grammar and curse words, so if you are offended easily do not read:

*- Yes I know they aren’t actually fans, but a man can dream.

Being gay is a sin your(sic) going to hell? Bob- New York

I am just guessing New York and that his name is Bob because email was something like numba1stunna@*****.com or something like that. Also, I would like to point out that he put a question mark in his email to me and it really wasn’t a question. I just thought it was funny. As for his remark, I actually mentioned my wife in the blog post, so I can only assume he read the title and didn’t read anything else (I guess I can applaud him for reading that much), and then quickly looked for a way to spread his hate towards me. Without any follow up to his remark from him, I am not sure how to respond.

What does the title to your book Headhunter mean? Is someone hunting heads? Do heads just escape from the body and people have to hunt them down? I can just picture a head rolling around looking for an ankle to bite while some lone savior comes in and safes the day. Ogai- Kansas

First I had no idea there were any Asians in Kansas. Second, you are taking the title too literal. The headhunter in the book is actually part of what you find out when you read the book. So I would suggest picking up a copy for the $0.99 it is right now and read through it. If you still can’t figure it out I can answer. Though I think my books are pretty quick read, most come in around 50,000 words.

Hey Kevin, If you would be willing to click this link and leave a 5-star review in the App Store it would help us out immensely. Guy Wolcott CEO of HomeSnap

Ok, so that wasn’t a question about my blog. Sue me, I didn’t have enough to fill a whole blog, so I had to steal from my spam.  But HomeSnap is a good product.  So if you have a chance, go check it out.

Is there a reason you think being gay would be better then(sic) being straight? I was thinking about some feelings I’ve been having and your blog posed the question about when I choose to be straight and I don’t think I ever did. Mike- Philadelphia

My crack about me personally choosing to be gay was a joke.  I know not a funny one as most people pointed out because having a partner means you accept them for who they are no matter what.  But if you are questioning your sexuality, I would suggest talking to someone who you are close to.  I have to think that people need to be true to themselves before they worry about what other people think.

It says right in the bible that being a fag is a sin you cant get around tat so if u are a fag lover you are a bible hater and i will nver read nothing u right again, does that maek you sad little bithc? Carl- Mississippi

I hate that this came from Mississippi because it basically feeds into the stereotype that people in Mississippi are uneducated.  The first thing I wanted to do was correct his grammar.  But he brings up a good point.  The bible does say that homosexuality is a sin.  It is right next to the part where it says you can’t plant crops of different seeds in the same row, or work on the Sabbath or wear clothes of different material.  It gives me permission to kill adulterers (which I think should happen anyway), eating a ham sandwich(Leviticus 11:7-8), tattoos (Leviticus 19:28), having a round haircut (Leviticus 19:27), going to church if you are John Bobbit or Varys (Deuteronomy 23:1), consulting a psychic (Leviticus 19:31), gossiping (Leviticus 19:16), getting married after divorce (Mark 10:11-12) or allowing women to speak in church (1 Corinthians 14:34-35).  So while it does say in the bible that these things are sins, I don’t see you protesting Subway because they sell ham sandwiches.

Dule is the most attractive man I know! And he taps! What can you do magic man?! Slim Shady- Detroit @The_Major_145

Ok, this one came in on Twitter and really had nothing to do with my blog.  It has more to do with me saying Dule Hill was an ugly Deon Sanders.  I was wrong, as everyone told me on Twitter.  Dule is actually a very attractive guy who can apparently tap.

What is the best thing about your wife? Caitlynn- Georgetown, South Carolina

You know what is funny; Caitlynn is the name of my wife.  She is also in South Carolina.  Hey I am beginning to think that this was not sent from just some random fan.  To answer your question, the best thing about my wife is that without trying she is the smartest most thoughtful and loving person I know.  She puts 100% into anything she cares about and always puts a smile on my face.  I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t thank God that he helped me find her because not only am I alive today because of her (literally), I would be a miserable wreck without her.

Can I have a free copy? Dianna – Jacksonville, FL

Sure mom.  I will send that right over.

Why did I click on the link to read your blog?  It isn’t funny.  It isn’t insightful.  It doesn’t make anybody a better person. Jesse- Plainview, AK

I am really sorry you feel that way; I will try to make them better in the future.  But really I just love to write and this is a good outlet for me.  Apparently you reach that outlet by clicking on links and sending emails telling people they suck.

Nice blog!  I don’t have a question. I just wanted to say I thought it was a good read. Ginger- Georgia

Thanks Ginger from Georgia.  I am glad you don’t feel the same way Jesse feels.

If you could choose to be gay, who would you do it with first? Jim- Florida

I am assuming you mean celebrity and not one of my friends.  I wouldn’t pick one of my friends, because then the other people would get upset and it would just be weird next time we were all together. So I guess I need to pick a celebrity.  I guess Taye Diggs. 

Your bio says you are in IT, can you fix my computer? Dan – South Carolina

First, I don’t know what is wrong with it, but probably.  I charge $150 an hour so go ahead and contact me and we can set it up.

Do you really think being gay isn’t a choice or are you just fucking with people? Mitchell – Florida

While I do like screwing with people, my life experiences show me that you can’t choose who you fall in love with and you shouldn’t feel less of a human because you fall in love with someone who society says is wrong for you.  I think everyone deserves a shot at happiness and loving who you love is one thing you need to be happy.

How come I have never heard of you? Grim – South Carolina

Probably for the same reason I never heard of you.

There are 3 types of people in this world.  People who try to start shit, and people who stop people from starting shit.  I am the type that stops shit.  I see you are trying to start shit.  So I am here to stop you.  I put like 40 comments on your blog but you never approved them.  Why won’t you let me speak the truth about fags?  Are you scared that your fucking little cunt head cant handle it? Your going to regret not putting me on your stupid little blog because I am making it my mission to stop u. Everytime you come out of the bathroom u better look for me because I might be their with a lead pipe.  You scared boy? Your worst nightmare – Florida

3 things. 1, I am from Florida so I know they give a better education than what your question shows. 2, To answer your question, if you feel the need to come find me because I wrote something that doesn’t fit your view, then there is nothing I can do.  I am not scared because most people who make threats behind a computer don’t have the nerve to pull them off so I am just going to assume you are that type.  And 3 (because when I say 3, I can count to 3)If you haven’t yet, check out my friend Tom, who actually does have a stupid little blog http://www.stupidlittleblog.com/

When is Investor going to be available for download? Jim – Raleigh, NC

March.  Did you read Headhunter? 

With that I am done.  That was all the email I got.  I hope I didn’t offend anyone by copying and pasting their words.  But I just want to comment that the people that spilled hate because I made my argument really need some help.  I have to thank my wife for sending in a question and my mom actually did not send an email question, she sent hers via text.  If you want to be part of the next fan* email session send me an email at jaxmagicman@gmail.com And just to make it more fun, feel free to ask me anything about anything. Oh and @dulehill, I don’t really think you are ugly I swear it was @joshmalina’s idea.

 

Because of the cool hats!!! DUH!

Turning Gay

Having a daughter changes things for men.  I had a son and nothing really changed in my mind.  He was a little person, but he I knew how to take care of him.  He was a boy like I was boy once and we had the same parts.  A girl is different.  A baby girl needs different type of care, and I learned right away that a lot of things change.  One, you can’t wipe the same way (front to back).  Two, poop gets in places it shouldn’t go and you have to clean it.  Three, you can never look at porn again without thinking, ‘how did those girls’ fathers mess up so badly?’ And four, you don’t trust a single boy anywhere at any time.  That was why I decided that my little girl is going to go to an all-girl school.

And they will pray to not become porn stars
And they will pray to not become porn stars

I wanted to have a doctor put a little chip in her like they do for animals to keep them from getting lost and making it easier to find her if she did, but I was told that that would never happen.  So I settled for an all-girl school.  But a funny thing happened when I started to tell people that that was my plan.  The first thing most people would tell me is, ‘you are going to turn her into a lesbian.’

I knew I should have read the syllabus
I knew I should have read the syllabus

It is a funny comment to them, I guess, but it got me thinking.  Do people truly understand what it is like to be gay?  Being gay isn’t something that you can turn into, or something that someone chooses to be.  It is who you are.  You can’t choose to be gay any more than you can choose to have natural blue eyes.  You can’t turn someone gay, like you can’t turn someone into a straight person.

Good thing I choose to be straight, or this would be awkward
Good thing I choose to be straight, or this would be awkward

This is the problem with the gay rights in our in country.  People still think about it as a choice.  I can tell you that it is not.  I didn’t choose to be a heterosexual.  I just am one.  If people think it is a choice, a) go back and tell me at what time you choose to be hetero, and b) why would people choose something for themselves where they are still ostracized and not allowed to marry.

Because of the cool hats!!! DUH!
Because of the cool hats!!! DUH!

Plus, if it truly was a choice, I would choose it.  Seriously, what would be better than having someone who shares your same likes and will play video games with you and then go out back and play 1-on-1 in the backyard when you were done (not a euphemism).  I love my wife, but if her and I got out in the backyard and played 1-on-1, I would kill her and it wouldn’t be much of a game.  But if I was able to choose to be gay, my partner would be good at basketball.  This is where someone who still thinks being gay is a choice would say, if you want all that find a women who is like that.  And that leads me to my next thing about why it isn’t a choice.  You can’t choose who you are attracted to.

Maybe take on someone your own size
Maybe take on someone your own size

Think about your perfect mate right now.  Is it the person you are with?  Probably.  But think back to when you were younger.  Wasn’t the person different in your head?  I wanted to marry a blonde, 5’10”, blue-eyed, huge-breasted woman who made me gourmet meals and played role playing games.  Who I ended up marrying was completely different, and I love her more for it.  She is 5’3 (she swears 5’4”).  She has light brown hair. She has green eyes.  She can’t stand video games and she would rather buy a sandwich than make me one.  If I could have chosen who I fell in love with.  I would have waited for the probably non-existent girl.  But love and attraction is a funny thing.  You can’t choose it.  It just happens.

When I am done slaying this dragon, I will use this sword to slice your lunch meat
When I am done slaying this dragon, I will use this sword to slice your lunch meat

So when my friends tell me being gay is a choice, or that I can turn my child into a lesbian just by putting her into a school with women, I begin to think that maybe they don’t understand it.  It isn’t something you can choose.  It isn’t something that you were turned into.  It was just something that you are.  And there is nothing anyone can do to change that.